I have been thinking about

my story. My journey. I think all of us could say that life has not turned out the way we thought it would, but we are still happy with life. I am. My journey has been full of surprises, and yet I am still happy. I feel like I have trudged through the trenches of trial and prosperity, and am still standing.

I thought I would get married, have 4 kids, and be a happy stay at home mom, ending up in retirement for my husband and then serving in the Church full time as I endured to the end. I did get married. Check that one off the list. And then time for kids. I just wanted to be a Mom. My Grandma Barbara had one child, my mother, and then 2 or 3 miscarriages. Then, at the age of 37 she had a hysterectomy as she suffered from endometriosis. My Grandma Quiggle had her first child, and then struggled for 12 years to finally have my Dad. Then a surprise baby 4 years later. As you see, I had reason for concern as I do not have a great family history of fertility, yet my Mother had no problem having 5 kids in 7 years (bless her heart!).

After 8 months of trying to conceive, a friend told me my cycles were crazy and to go to the Dr. After some tests it was concluded I was not ovulating. So on to the fertility drug Clomid I went. 6 months later, and still no baby, we checked my tubes and they were clear. The last test was to check for endometriosis. I had no symptoms of it, but I was desperate to fix me. I remember, at the age of 22, waking up from surgery to Spence standing over me teary eyed saying, "They got it all." So I had it. I then got very sick from the anesthesia, threw up and tore my stitches in the process...good memories.

Cooper was conceived 3 months later. The rest was bliss. When he was 1 year old, I was baby hungry again, and 3 months later I was pregnant with Savannah. Things were looking up for our little family.

Savannah was diagnosed with Nystagmus (oscillating eyes) at 4 months old. 5 months later, many heart breaking tests, and a spiritually exhausted Julie, Savannah was diagnosed with OCA 1b or OCA 2, Oculocultaneous Albinism. My baby was albino? Her vision prognosis was anywhere from 20/40 to 20/800. (legally blind is 20/400) We had to wait until she was older to determine her vision. What kind of life would she live, and what quality of life? I was destroyed emotionally with all hope of joy for a happy life for my daughter gone. I grieved, I grieved deeply for 3 months. Every time I looked in to my bouncing eyed baby, I wanted to weep, and I finally could look no more at her. I concluded I had to let the grief and fear of the unknown consume me, or use the Atonement to dig myself out. So the digging began, and I am still shoveling some days when the fear of the unknown future picks at me, but I have found peace with my Lord that he will take care of her.

Spence and I both carry a rare genetic marker for albinism. Both parents have to carry it for it to manifest in the child. What are the chances of that! Why us? I have since learned to never ask why and to always ask how will we move on. We have a 25% chance of every baby having albinism. First, my grief was so deep, I believed I would never want to have another child. The chance of mourning over the loss of a normal life was too great to bear. Is it ethical to bring a spirit in to this world, if you know they could have a handicapped body? If you knew 100%, would you do it. Just to have another child in your life, would you have another baby? I fought with this for months. I searched in church materials to find what the prophets had said on this.... and it was no where to be found, other than hope and love for all life. I asked family, friends, and even my bishop. Final conclusion: it was up to Spence and I. I had to accept the chance of another child with albinism, I had to be completely fine with it. After many heart to hearts with my Heavenly Father, I finally could do it. We decided to have another baby.

Well, my journey, my story does not get simpler. If anything it gets more humorous, if humor is what you can gleam from tragedy. I did conceive immediately, as if it was meant to be. Yet, I did not know I was pregnant, because my period was actually a tubal pregnancy miscarrying. 2 weeks later, as I began to suffer from morning sickness, I took a pregnancy test; it was positive, and then I began to bleed. A sonogram confirmed I was carrying a non viable fetus, and I had already miscarried it's twin. Ohh, do not say the word twin. Spence is a twin, his twin brother has twins, and he would really like twins of his own. To add to matters, the curse of scout camp was upon us, as Spence was hours away at camp for 3 days. I had no one but my Heavenly Father to weep to, and to ask for comfort. A week later, after I never passed the fetus, a sonogram confirmed my body had reabsorbed it in to my body. This was the first warning sign that was missed.

I was told I would have a great cleansing period in a few weeks. So when I began to bleed, with no relief for 10 days, ending in such pain I could not walk, I finally went to the Dr. Upon exam I was told I had chandelier pain (when you hurt so bad that when touched you jump so high as to touch the chandelier) and a large mass was on my ovary. I was sent to radiology for an extensive ultrasound to determine what the mass was. I was also told I would most likely end up in surgery that day. Balling my eyes out I hobbled there, and called Spence to come save me.

The mass was unidentifiable, so I was taken to a bed on the women's floor in the hospital to await an open OR and to get my Demerol drip for the pain. 6 hours later I was so sick, and wheeled in to surgery. It was that pesky twin that was never seen on ultrasound, the tubal pregnancy. The placenta was still growing in my right falopian tube slowly tearing and finally bursting it. My deep cleansing period which lasted for 10 days, was actually my tube bleeding out. The surgeon had to suction over a quarter of my blood out of my abdomen just to see the shredded mess. Let me tell you, internal bleeding HURTS.

I felt confused. I already had a history of infertility, why Lord, would I know I should have another child, just to have more of my child bearing ability be taken away from me? I was sick, and sad, and mad, and grieving. I was so confused. Once again, I turned to my Heavenly Father to heal my soul.

Maddux was conceived after 7 months of trying and battling new ovarian cysts. He has been such a joy to our family. He was a natural baby, and I was finally a natural mother to him. I enjoyed every moment of him as an infant as I felt this was my last baby. This was all I could take. NO MORE morning sickness, trying to conceive, or more tragedy. I was DONE.

And then came the spiritual prompting came to have another baby. I laughed, and cried and told no one for a while, just enjoying the humor of the situation. Was I willing to brave the possibility of another miscarriage, tubal pregnancy, or another disabled child? This time I felt at peace, and thought no more.

We conceived immediately. First event that made me nervous: It is not supposed to be this easy. Secondly, my morning sickness has been very mild compared to the vomiting 8-14 times a day I had with Cooper, or the severe dehydration I suffered resulting in me needing an IV with Maddux. I can only once again trust in my Heavenly Father's plan for me, and KNOW that I can accept and survive ANYTHING He throws my way.

And this is where I am at in my story. So far the journey has been worth it. I cherish my testimony which my Father in Heaven has made me earn. I value each of my children as miracles. I have hope for the future, and I take each day one at a time. My glass is half full. I am a Mother.

I also am a firm believer that for me, I need to take life in my own hands. God gave us this wonderful world, surrounded us with brilliant people, and given us the go ahead to seek and obtain JOY. I have to determine what I want, confirm this with God, and then go for it full force. I once prayed for patience, and now, looking back on my journey, see that I have endured, and learned it.